Ani Ram went from serial-dater to home-maker in less time..
One of the best ways to find out what men like and dislike about women is to hear that from men themselves. That’s why I often frequent the site askmen.com. It has a section called “Dating & Sex” that contains articles and advice about dealing with women, for men and by men. And getting the inside scoop on “man-talk” is extremely useful for a girl. I think of this as keeping current on what’s in on Man Street.
Recently, I came across an advice article on The Psychology of Needy Women on askmen.com. The man who wrote it talked about the different “attachment styles” that different women had – translation – the varying degrees to which different women are needy.
I’d always known that needy women appeared unattractive and weak to men, and have written a few times on how not to appear needy in a relationship. However, I’d never quite imagined the extent to which men were petrified of needy women. Let’s just say that, having read that article, I now understand that getting into a relationship with a needy woman is a man’s worst nightmare. Feel like there might be worse nightmares than that? So do I, but not most men, apparently!
The article states that “knowing your woman’s attachment style can… help you determine whether or not she’s worth dating.” Worth dating?!? Apparently, that is what men evaluate when they first start dating you.
When a woman first starts dating a man, she analyzes him very simply:
-
Is he attractive enough?
Does he dress well?
Is he employed?
What are his hobbies and interests?
Will he call again?
The men, apparently, analyze women on a much deeper level:
-
What are her psychological issues?
What is her relationship with her parents?
What are her past relationship experiences?
HOW NEEDY IS SHE?
And there you were worrying about your hair!
My advice is to first figure out your “attachment style.” How much attention do you need? How afraid are you of losing your man? Do you require constant reassurance due to low self esteem?
Once you understand your “attachment style” and your needs that flow from it, the best thing to do is to find a man with similar needs – someone with a similar attachment style to yours will not perceive you as “needy.” The problem with that approach, however, is that it’s not so easy to figure out someone’s attachment style at the very beginning of a relationship – men are much better at hiding their neediness than women.
The only way to deal with this that I see is for a woman to make a conscious effort not to appear needy, especially during the first few dates! Think about what you can do differently to increase your appeal and convince your man that you are anything but needy. In the beginning of a relationship, it is all about making the right impression, and you need to give him the impression that you don’t care if there is another date. Let the man decide how much he needs you before you reveal how much you need him.
Later, when a man determines that he can’t live without you and leaves you in no doubt about how much he needs you, it will be okay to show him the needier side of you.
If the relationship turns into a committed relationship, and you still have doubts about how much he needs you, well, you might have different “attachment styles.” The ultimate goal is to find a man who doesn’t leave you wondering. If you find that you are wondering for too long, then it’s time to go back on the market. You obviously have some more picking to do!
Tags: attachment, dating, men, needy, relationships, women
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 14th, 2009 at 3:29 am and is filed under First date eiquette, If you think he doesn't like you then he doesn't like you. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
sheesh. why can’t it be simple?!
or should i say “easy”
:-/
interesting blog post,
I have bookmarked your blog so I can check on it daily for more updates,
thanks
this is just the type of information that sends women chasing unworthy men. if he perceives you as needy, then he isn’t worth your trouble girls, move on! Emotional dependancies are varied and complex in a relationship, but they are there and should not be ignored. “Try not to appear needy”, OMG what kind of 1950′s advice is that for a modern woman? Just be yourself, and don’t ignore your own needs over those of any man!