Ani Ram went from serial-dater to home-maker in less time..
Building a functional relationship is one of the most difficult challenges that men and women may ever have to face in their lives. It’s also one of the only challenges that requires full collaboration by both parties. Going to school, meeting your goals at work, and taking up a hobby are all individual tasks that you could accomplish alone, whether married or single. Having a functional relationship is not an individual task.
The more I talk to women who are actively dating, in relationships, or even married, the more I see a huge imbalance of efforts between them and their so-called “significant” others. There are so many men who are determined to put minimal effort into a relationship. These men have figured out that it doesn’t have to be hard work to satisfy a woman. In fact, the less they do the more they’ll get credit for doing anything at all. Very smart those men. But what does that say about the women? Why are the women working extra hard to overcompensate for what their men should be doing? How is it that the men have fooled the women into giving them credit just for showing up?
For example, a woman said to me the other day that she had been very sick all weekend and the guy she was dating had called her every day to see how she was feeling. ”He’s such a catch! I can’t believe he called both days to check up on me!” she said. I waited to hear what else he was doing for her that justified her using his name and the term “catch” in the same sentence. Although I didn’t get any more information I do hope that wasn’t her only reason for being so proud of her “catch”. What he did was basic courtesy that you would expect from any friend or even colleague. Wasn’t that something he was supposed to do anyway, I thought.
Here’s another example. A woman was telling me how she wished her boyfriend would call and spend more time with her. She said that whenever they were together he was perfect. By perfect she means that they get along great. They talk and laugh a lot. They even share the same political views and passion for animals. Problem is that he has designated 3 nights a week to going to the gym, 2 nights are for playing poker with his friends, and 1 of his remaining 2 nights are for her. ”He’s very busy,” she said “but at least he’s keeping himself healthy and has lots of friends, which are both positives!” I guess he deserves credit for consistency. He consistently spends one night a week, every week, with his girlfriend. Too bad I’m married. Otherwise, I would’ve definitely asked her if he had a brother and if consistency runs in their family.
Give me a break, ladies, and raise the bar of expectations a little higher. Or a lot higher in some cases. Good rule of thumb is that you have to expect more from a boyfriend than you would expect from a friend. You have to expect more from a husband than you would expect from a boyfriend. There are certain responsibilities that go along with being a friend, a boyfriend, and a husband. Don’t give him credit for doing something he’s supposed to be doing. Ask yourself, is he doing more for me than any one of my friends? Am I able to do more with him than I could on my own?
Go back and reevaluate your relationship, raise the bar, and pose a challenge. Figure out what you are, and are not, getting from your significant other. If there is anything that you are not getting, or anything that he is not doing, the solution is never to do it yourself.
No relationship is a do-it-yourself operation.
This entry was posted on Saturday, February 7th, 2009 at 7:14 am and is filed under Don't give him extra credit for something he's supposed to do. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
so sad.
y do women do that??
Ani,
You’re so right! The more you do for your man, the less he does for you! A man appreciates you more when he puts in the extra effort into the relationship. He feels that you’re worth the extra effort and thus values you even more. In conclusion: make the man work harder to get you!
As a good man and husband who takes very good care of his wife the double standard here is ridiculous. Those men you cited don’t deserve to be treated well. I agree with that but your premise assumes all men are lazy slobs. Women complain about not feeling appreciated or being thanked and here you are spouting that it’s perfectly acceptable to do that to a good husband. A GOOD man asks for very little from his wife. You won’t have your knight in shining armor long if you don’t keep him motivated with positive reinforcement. Spouses who stop saying the little thank yous and up with a partner who feels taken for granted.