Ani Ram went from serial-dater to home-maker in less time..
Dating is a lot like shopping, and if you don’t make up a list of what you need ahead of time, you’ll probably end up coming home with the wrong item.
I had this epiphany while searching for my mate. If you are ready to get married and you are dating with this purpose in mind then you need to stay focused. The goal is to optimize your search time. This is something I learned early on- the more time you spend with the wrong person the more time it will take you to find the right person. Remember, your time is precious because you are important and everyone wants a piece of you!
Good shopping/dating tip:
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The best way to stay focused and to sort through the clutter is to determine what you need before your temptation is activated.
We’ve all gone to the store to buy one thing and then left with some new lipstick that caught our eye. Problem is when you get home and you realize you are not done with your current lipstick and so you never really use your new one. That’s giving into temptation over your needs.
It’s just as easy when you are on a date to become impressed by your date’s physical qualities, life story or sense of humor. Once you feel impressed your temptation gets activated. Once your temptation is activated you forget why you’re there and what you are looking for. Temptation is hard to resist and hard to control. The only way you have any shot at it is by being prepared which brings me back to shopping: if you’re going to go then you need to make a list of what you need!
Here is what you should probably have on your list:
The “I need him to” list – i.e. to be of a certain religion or background, to want to have kids, to be ready for marriage, to have a professional career, communication style, etc.
The “I want him to” list – i.e. to be a certain height, to be as active as you, to have the same hobbies as you, to be educated to a certain level, etc.
The “I won’t put up with these” list – i.e. smoking/ drinking habits, kids from another marriage, employment status, commitment phobias, emotional/ mental issues, any over sized baggage, etc.
It’s important to take the time to fill out all the qualities that you are looking for in a mate for each of the above categories. You must decide on all of these factors before you even try to meet the right person. Otherwise, you might find yourself on a date with someone who has a charming personality, who makes you laugh and forget that he has way too many “I won’t put up with these” issues. By the time you realize that the he has too many issues that you are not willing do deal with you are already dealing with them.
If this seems too calculated and not following the heart it’s because it is calculated. Following your heart will only get you in trouble. Your heart is not smart. It doesn’t know what’s best for you. Only your brain knows what’s best for you. And trust me, if you follow your brain and find someone who meets all of you ideals, you heart will be happy!
Someones sense of humor will only get you so far. Just as interesting careers, or hobbies, or physical qualities, might peak your initial interest they will not be enough to sustain a relationship. No matter what a healthy relationship needs a strong foundation in order to survive. A strong foundation can only be built if two people have compatible needs and wants.
Go ahead and make up your lists. Really think about what you need, what you want, and what you absolutely don’t want. Re-read your list often. Memorize it. Know it better than you know anything else. Tattoo it on your inner lobe so that you have it on every date. You will see how this will drastically improve your judgement and give you control.
This entry was posted on Friday, January 30th, 2009 at 2:09 pm and is filed under Dating is a lot like shopping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
good idea. i’ve made lists, but i end up getting distracted too easily. this year shall be different!
i need to stick to my list, and will follow my brain this year! 2009 is the year!
rember all baggage must fit in the overhead or under the seat if it needs checking so does he!